I also never realized during the entire course of me caring for her, how fearful I was of getting sick. I also feel the pain my children feel on his birthday and fathers day. After being married 53 years I just have no idea what to do without him. I cannot remove all that I know he was going through from my mind. Ignore them but do not hold it in. And it still hurts. That is a revealing statement and I think your church, which is a family, will prove to be a lifesaver. Those who survive COVID-19 are often left with . Im trying to be in acceptance and have great support around me. I feel isolated. I miss him everyday and I just pray to God that he gives me the strength I need to move forward in life because Im not only living for me. He was doing well until a infection set in eventually going to his brain. There is hope; the sun does shine again. She, or rather we , battled cancer for about 4 years and it was a roller coaster . I was no longer surviving it, I was Feeling it. Take each day at a time, pray and thank God for the time he gave you with her. Him and I were very close. Most of the time I cover my feelings up so people dont know how I really feel. I havent eaten a real meal since it happened. (pdf) Introduction Congress is fast approaching the need to take action on the nation's statutory debt limit, often referred to as the debt ceiling. Its too hard to live without them. We fought about it all the time and would say nasty things to each other among the lies etc. He had the same slightly crooked nose, mocha skin, 5'9" body and Spartan-warrior haircut. Well all be reunited with our loved ones one day. I miss him so much. I move from day to day and find some confidence that I have made it this far (although I dont really care) and other people have too. Im basically still just going through the motions, something in my soul cracked this year when i lost them. You have left me a huge hole that no-one else can fill in my heart. "To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die" - Hazel Gaynor. His wife passed away 20 years ago and he was left to raise 2 small boys. The pain is unbearable. He never opened his eyes. Now, though, it is hitting me that he is never coming back. Not forgetting, blending them together. Eileen, I can relate to how you feel. I cant believe Ill never see her again or discuss personal issues, deep and meaningful comvos or lighthearted banterJust get through the day..It has helped reading your experiences. Urban. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but my faith tells me that the Lord has given you both a season in life, and that season has ended. I am grateful to read all of these posts because I dont think Im over my grief, yet I have always heard that at one-year I would feel better and grieving will be over. Always butterflies. Its miraculous Im still up on that tight rope. I am English but have a wonderful friend in Alabama also a widow . We only had 11 years together but they where the best years Ive ever had. Someone once said you never get over it Sorry this is so long. The missing her is getting worse. Scars are a testament to life. And while they still come, they come further apart. They are my life line; especially since I live in town without my daughter and grandchildren, or for that matter without my parents, brothers sisters and extended family. I have had a fight with depression most of my life. We cannot expect them to put on a show. I was unaware that I had been in Survival Mode. It still hurts and i wish it didnt. Im human and nothing is odd about what I am going through. Ann, Im so sorry for every ones lost,,Im to. Technology is cruel, live pictures and videos make you see people in the past that once were eating dinner, and are now ashes on an urn. Its been 1 year since the love of my life died of a heart attack. Of course, other times the pain is raw and I can not imagine going forward without her. I dont want medication. I am so blessed to have found these resources and may they also provide some comfort to you. 2 and half months without seeing her smile and hearing her voice pains me a lot and now the thought of not growing up with her kills me 1 minute at a time. A week later I told them to let her go, and they removed life support. 6 more people passed including my father. I keep praying to be taken God, Its ok, I will not be mad, I will be happy that I can finally not be so very unhappy. Thanks for this. I say to myself to what end? tiny ways is has, just very hard to move I dont know what to do.. I have no one to ground me to this life. I am just pretending Im ok, so my family does not worry about me, as I know I got to be strong for them. I feel so cheated. If there is an afterlife then we know this life happens in the blink of an eye, soyou had might as well try to live as full a life as you can, safe in the knowledge you will be reunited. The medical services made that a nightmare but at least I had his support then. The pain was so great. we lost most of our family. Noreen, Its just about a year since my husband of 55 years died. No other moments were devoid of the heaviness on my heart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. Oh precious fellow travellers. Life is so unfair. He was 70 years old. Im exactly where you are right now! My dad also died suddenly Oct 21 2019 He was in good health and cancer free . But it doesn't know you will always live in my memory. Year 3 I thought it has to get easier, and in many ways it has. tten easier. After a few months we started dating- the girls love him- I love him. He left me 2 dogs, one pregnant one. I am so lost still. I hope for your best and for someone wiser than myself and more experienced than myself contribute to your (our) understanding. We had 3 lovely children together. I just come home and enjoy the dogs and just survive the day. Today is 5 months and It's really not a great day for me at all, Since he has passed not one day has been good..I wake up thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him..We were together 35 years married 34. This second year is as hard as the first. Dad has passed 18 mths now. We all will walk this path our own way, its the most difficult challenge of ones life. So lets make the best of the life we have. Ive missed her terribly for two years. I was so blessed to have him. Xmas . It is not a accounted for grief. Warning: If the Start_date is greater than the End_date, the result will be #NUM!. On top of it all, the flashbacks of seeing him in the pool came often and took me to my knees every time. March 27th of this year she was placed on hospice. Ive been told several times that I should be over it by now. It has been 7 months and I feel so lost, lonely and scared. There is no right or wrong, but while I have always been decisive, I now find myself unsure. The second year I think in some ways I know I will have to carry this pain around until I die too, because it will never ease. .it was always he and i. i have faith it will get easier somehow.but in that each of our circumstances are different, i just felt the need to feel sori for myself a minute. I too want it to end. I lost my forever unexpectedly 19 month ago, after 32 years of marriage. We had so many dreams I wouldnt know where to start sharing them. Thank you all who have shared their stories here. I dont really like the person I am at the moment, but am hopeful Ibwill feel more complete, When my husband was ill and I spent a lot of time stressed and worried, I told a friend that previously my life had been like a bracelet of pearls, but now the pearls were interspersed with pebbles, no more complete happiness. So I dont open to her, she has a lot of anger, which doesnt help me at all. She has no idea what this loss feels like, what your love felt like, or what is right for you. That was September 2013. I wish someone would share some hope.. something to inspire me to keep going. The rest of the post has been deleted, only the title remains. I find it heartbreaking to see their grief and I feel embarrassed about having a boyfriend who has brought some sun into my life. I think everyone thinks I should have moved on and gotten over it. What if he knew he was sick and just didnt want me to know? I dont mean Im suicidal, but I feel like a rudderless ship being blown aimlessly about on an endless ocean. My wife and I divorced about a year after he passed. I also am only 2 months in after the loss of my husband ..21 years of marriage and 5 children the latter of which keep me going ..he lives in them. No warning no leading up to illness. Its definitely tough every year and Im on year 4. My son rolled a diesel tanker and it ejected him out and rolled on him and crushed him. He and mum lived in Ireland and me and my two brothers visited them regularly. I feel your pain every moment of every day. If you're a painter, sculptor, or woodworker, create something each year. Now this week is his anniversary and Im a real crazy mess. I just had another cry and heart wrenching moment after 1 year and 10 months. I try and fill my time, but would rather be hold up in my house and not face the world. Please know that I am entering my 7th year of the loss of my spouse. It didnt hit me until I was driving out of the hospital parking ramp: I didnt get to take her home. On May 28th I came home from work and found my husband had passed in his easy chair. Im comforted to know that others feel the same. I really think it helps. This is the second year, and as it got near to his birthdate, it hurts just as badly as last year, if not worse. I saw a counsellor after that which helped- I was numb after that. Sometimes he can't sleep at night and stay wide awake at 4am thinking about her. I do what I have to do in the house the rest of the time I lay in my bed. My fathers started dating someone who slanders her and her opinion of me, and even though I know shes wrong and never met her it hurts so badly. Im only 2 months in after the loss of my husband. Lost my beautiful soul mate two years and four months ago.Debilitating Brain tumours which had metastasised from Melanoma. So I was been very very careful about how I was feeling questioning everything . To those who are grieving too, Im sorry for your loss. "Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow" - Unknown. Dear Charaine He told me, thats how you cope with grief, you need to talk about it over & over until finally you stop. TERRI..It is 13 months and 20 days since my soul mate died..yesterday in work I felt truly happy for the first time since he died..it is 10pm today and the whole day has bee one of the worst..I have two dogs so I hide away ..put my head down on my arms and cry so they cant hear me.I work full time so am OK in work but I am so lonely without him..my children are interstate..along with my bestie of 50 years.I have no close friends outside of work..I make an effort to go out and socialize but am surrounded by couples..so come home as I miss him even more..if it werent for my two dogs I wouldnt be hereI dont know how much longer I can live live thisI have told no ome else how close I am to ending my own life..this lasses but right now the urge is overwhelming me..thanks for reading..if you doI am writing to you as you have the most recent post.. Ann.. Just last night I was in the grocery store and they had a Buy one/get one sale on an item that we both loved. This happen to me. Strange as this may sound, I am now finding life even more difficult. We held each other. You are being really honest about your loss. I am so overcome with sadness. The timeline is based on data on when breakthrough infections occur. His father had heart disease and We knew he had probably inherited his fathers genes for heart disease who passed at forty six and his father before him passed at forty two. Things are familiar, but not clear, not altogether solid. Our bond of love was so deep and our lives so inextricably intertwined that a part of me died that day too. For me, it is in those tiny slivers of time when I feel most alone and heartbroken. I felt like it was me who died the first year and I was a ghost in my own life. I felt so lost. And now guilt because of some things I am doing. I was with him everyday and night for a month during transplant and then nine month later he went in with the infection and I stayed with him five days and nights. Then in October of 2019 I got a call at work again to come to the hospital and that Kimberly suddenly died of a heart massive heart attack at 54.I couldnt believe it was real and sure enough here I was again, this time I had no way of telling her see you again someday because my brain told me that saying goodbye to Lisa werent the right words. Finding it hard to move one still. My husband passed away two years ago Sat. So everyday I get up and miss them both terribly. I dont want him to think our lives are all moving on and I dont miss him. Required fields are marked *. Death cannot kill what never dies" - William Penn. Cry daily cannot stop crying. Recovery is slow for me. Life is not stagnant. We always hold my hand whether , We were watching TV, Driving in the car or going for a walk. Bit it is difficult if not impossible journey to take by yourself, after suddenly losing someone you have loved & been with for over 30 years. They gave him 6 months to a year to live but my honey fought so hard and stayed with us till 2019. to be strong for them, but some days He was suddenly diagnosed and died after his first chemo. I lost my Everything reminds me of him and I find myself distancing myself from people and things that were familiar to us both. I too, was 54 and now in my second year of grief. "The life of the dead is placed in the heart of the living" - Cicero. I have been crying for him now for two days solid, praying every night that he will come for me. No matter what and how I try nothing really matters. would be thinking I should be over my grief by now. very long visit duration Screaming, crying, cursing God, cursing everybody and everything. Good luch everyone.. My grandma died on November 1st, and my oldest sister died somewhat unexpectedly on December 22nd.